Friday, July 20, 2012

Oy Vey.........I'm Still Fat

I started throwing up again last I met with my surgeon Dr. Small - AWESOME MAN - just love this guy.  Great bedside manner - funny & kind - and oh yea - he saved my life.

Dr. Small set me up for an endoscopy - my third since having the surger 9.5 months ago.  No big deal - I've had a ton of these before - I can't count how many ulcers I've had in my lifetime - but it's alot - even a few bleeding.

My bestie Cynda took me to the hospital for the procedure.  I'm joking with the staff and Cynda - being myself.  In comes the nurse who is going to put in my IV.  She was a real delight.  Her opener was:  "So when are you having your gastric bypass - this is in preparation correct?"  I'm down a total of 98 lbs now.............and everone is telling me I look great - I'm wearing MUCH smaller clothing - I think I look better after reviewing old photos......and just like that..........all of the old Bat Man signs came out and smacked me in the face.

Thinking that perhaps she really didn't take a look at me, I VERY STUPIDLY asked her....."do I look like I need a gastric bypass?"  Then - she put down her clip board - looked me up and down and said........"Maybe.....there are alot of patients who are short." 

OK.  I'm sure that you could visually see me deflate....because I sure as hell could feel it.  I couldn't help it - but tears were next - big ones - and I started sobbing.  Cynda did her best to console me - but I was truly in a state.

I was told that I have an ulcer and there was a stricture as well - they dialated the opening to my stomach.

End results:  New prescriptions and lack of confidence.

I'm upset at myself - b/c I know I should still be happy - but I really was getting my confidence back - and in one brief moment - it was crushed.  Did I ever really have it if I allowed someone to quickly upset me? 

I don't know - but I have about 20 other battles happening right now - so I can't afford to analyze this anymore at the moment. 

My back is killing me - it's been raining for a couple of days now - so that really doesn't help things at all. 

Next up - pain killers - a 3 tier bone scan - and a court ordered mediation re: the auto accident.


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