Tuesday, September 20, 2011

8 Days and Counting

One week from tomorrow and I will be headed to the hospital for my gastric bypass.  Am I excited?  Yes.  This is evident - I have already packed my bag for the hospital!  Have I been nervous..........up until now, not really.............the past few days I have been fairly emotional - realizing all of the changes that will happen to me.

It's funny, I was with my friend Niki and we were looking at videos of patients before and after surgery - it was really inspiring.  She asked me how I was feeling - I told her that I was starting to get anxious and worried that I would feel vulnerable.  Initially she thought I was saying that my husband Jordan might feel vulnerable.  NOT the case.

I've had a fair amount of "trauma" in my life - unwanted physical attention.  That led me to eating for comfort - the added bonus was that I became "invisible" to most men.  I've lived a long time with comments like "you're such a pretty girl - it's a shame you hide it behind all of that weight."  Tough comment - but there is a word there that hits the nail on the head.  Shame.  An all encompassing - overwhelming feeling - one that I have lived with daily for far too many years to count. 

My fear is that losing this weight is going to really make me vulnerable in so many ways - sort of like I am stripping off my "protective layer".  My hope is that losing this weight will set me free in so many positive ways that I grow to be comfortable with this new vulnerabilty. 

I've been told by many that some people will treat me differently when I lose the weight.  That seems odd to me - but these experiences have come from reliable sources that have had the procedure done.  I don't think I'll be excited by that prospect - I have a small but AMAZING group of friends who are family - and family who are friends.  If anyone who didn't have the time of day before my surgery wants to be my new best friend............well..............let's just say that I only deal with quality people.  :) 

I'm still overwhelmed that I had the good fortune to meet a man as wonderful as Jordan.  I worry that the first 2-4 weeks are going to be very stressful on both of us - me b/c of my new situation - and Jordan because............well...............we all know how pleasant I can be.  It's comforting to know that my husband is so supportive.  It's also comforting to know that he fell in love with me before the weight loss - I know he genuinely loves me for ME.  If ever there were a knight in shining armor - its my husband.  Next year at this time - I will really be putting that to the test - I'm going to make him rescue me from several tall towers!

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