Monday, October 17, 2011

Everything is broke - and nothing gets fixed - not even me

This has been one of the worst days of my life.  I may be having a pity party - but to be honest - there is alot more to it than that.  I am overwhelmed - I am misunderstood - and today very betrayed and hurt.

To sum up:

  1. I've waited 3 years to get any photos from my wedding.  I've written letters; thrown temper tantrums; and threatened legal action.  I FINALLY got some pictures and posted them.  The only comments about the album were about how great my relatives looked in the album.  Some of the comments were even from strangers.  One person asked where the picture was taken - when I said at my wedding - still nothing.  Some memories from what should have been the happiest day of my life are terrible.  This is the cherry on the pie that was the drama of my wedding.
  2. My car - which was in the shop for over a month - still has issues.  Now its leaking oil - and I slipped on it in my garage - injuring my side and back.
  3. My attorney's staff are rude.  I told them to talk to me like a client.  In turn - my attorney called me at home and told me that I upset his staff.  I still do not have the answer to a question I asked over a month ago.
  4. I've been having alot of flash backs of trauma that happened to me several years ago - and I can't shake the feeling.  What's worse - is that some who should have protected me from the situation - did not.  What's horrific - even though they didn't do anything about it at the time - they did acknowlege inappropriate behavior at the time - but now - there is no recollection of it at all.  There are no words.  This is something that I could not hope to address without some time in therapy.  Until then - I'm steering clear.
  5. I have people being critical of my husband - I drew a line in the sand.  I'm not sure how anyone can feel comfortable inserting themselves between a husband and wife.  In my mind, unless I ask for help - or show up with a bloody lip - I'm good.
  6. I'm tired - overwhelmed - stressed - and cannot eat food or smoke cigarettes.  I went for a walk this weekend and got very tired - and my stomach was very sore.  I was told that I "overdid it".
  7. I found an new therapist - with the help of my shrink - but I can't get in to see her until the end of the month.  It's not coming fast enough.
I've battled depression for a long time.  There are lots of reasons for it.  Even when you try to explain it to some - tell them some very difficult things - they don't understand how you could be depressed - how you could need therapy - and how anyone could be self destructive.

So - on top of everything today - the final words I heard (Jordan has been in bed for a few hours now) was that I needed to suck it up and pull myself up by my bootstraps.  

I'm pretty fragile right now.  I don't feel good about myself in anyway physically - and when I stand up for myself - I get smacked down.  I'm not a child - but I am a person who has needs - a person who can feel pain - a person who has kept a hell of a lot inside for a long time. 

I feel like I am going to implode.

1 comment:

  1. Lynn, it's ironic how often EVERYTHING seems to screw up at the same time. That was my week, last week even down to the car but it's a new week and things are better.(Well had to drop the car off again before chemo this morning).

    We're all wired differently so I don't know if this helps or not but I ALLOW MYSELF to feel like CRAP, I HAVE A RIGHT to FEEL MAD or SAD, I'm not going to fight it. I'll embrace it knowing that it's part of the healing process. Without those feelings how could we ever know the "Other Side". How good it is when our mind and body comes together and all is good.

    We can't control others only ourselves,so when friends or those close can't grasp the impact of their actions or words try to remember that the intent, however flawed came from concern or love.

    We also need to learn how to forgive and let go. My son Kevin, upon hearing I had Cancer said to me " Oh Great, another thing I have to deal with". It was a shot to the Gut, said with no understanding of the impact it could have on me. I only got over it when I forgave him.

    Lynn, your stronger then you know. You are going to get better, please don't let anyone tell you what your limits are! Nudge or Push those limits, you'll know when to stop.