To sum up:
- I've waited 3 years to get any photos from my wedding. I've written letters; thrown temper tantrums; and threatened legal action. I FINALLY got some pictures and posted them. The only comments about the album were about how great my relatives looked in the album. Some of the comments were even from strangers. One person asked where the picture was taken - when I said at my wedding - still nothing. Some memories from what should have been the happiest day of my life are terrible. This is the cherry on the pie that was the drama of my wedding.
- My car - which was in the shop for over a month - still has issues. Now its leaking oil - and I slipped on it in my garage - injuring my side and back.
- My attorney's staff are rude. I told them to talk to me like a client. In turn - my attorney called me at home and told me that I upset his staff. I still do not have the answer to a question I asked over a month ago.
- I've been having alot of flash backs of trauma that happened to me several years ago - and I can't shake the feeling. What's worse - is that some who should have protected me from the situation - did not. What's horrific - even though they didn't do anything about it at the time - they did acknowlege inappropriate behavior at the time - but now - there is no recollection of it at all. There are no words. This is something that I could not hope to address without some time in therapy. Until then - I'm steering clear.
- I have people being critical of my husband - I drew a line in the sand. I'm not sure how anyone can feel comfortable inserting themselves between a husband and wife. In my mind, unless I ask for help - or show up with a bloody lip - I'm good.
- I'm tired - overwhelmed - stressed - and cannot eat food or smoke cigarettes. I went for a walk this weekend and got very tired - and my stomach was very sore. I was told that I "overdid it".
- I found an new therapist - with the help of my shrink - but I can't get in to see her until the end of the month. It's not coming fast enough.
So - on top of everything today - the final words I heard (Jordan has been in bed for a few hours now) was that I needed to suck it up and pull myself up by my bootstraps.
I'm pretty fragile right now. I don't feel good about myself in anyway physically - and when I stand up for myself - I get smacked down. I'm not a child - but I am a person who has needs - a person who can feel pain - a person who has kept a hell of a lot inside for a long time.
I feel like I am going to implode.